Your Reality Is a Lie … (And So Is Theirs)
Let's call it: Reality isn't real. There is no one "Truth."
We believe we see the world clearly—that our memories are accurate, our perspectives valid, our judgments fair. But here's the uncomfortable fact: what you're experiencing isn't reality.
It's your brain on autopilot, creating a selective version of events filtered through your past traumas, beliefs, and biases. A story that feels absolutely true, despite being fundamentally incomplete.
Your perception isn't truth—it's a survival strategy. It's shaped by your biology, past wounds, current emotional state, and whatever your nervous system calculates will keep you safe right now.
It's not a mirror reflecting the world—it's a filter distorting it. Biased. Limited. Self-serving. And most of the time, the story it's narrating actually drives you further from growth and genuine connection.
If you're brave enough to admit your "truth" might just be a story—read on.
The Science of Perception: Your Brain's Creative Filter
Your brain doesn't passively capture the world like a camera—it actively constructs your reality. What you experience as "real" is actually a carefully curated blend of minimal sensory input, past experiences, and educated guesses.
Research reveals a startling truth: only about 10% of what you perceive is raw sensory data; the remaining 90% is predicted and filled in by your brain based on what it expects to see (Gregory, 1997). This process, known as predictive processing, allows your brain to work efficiently by relying on familiar patterns and shortcuts.
The upside? Speed and survival. The downside? Inaccuracy.
Your brain operates on a simple principle: "I've seen something like this before, so I know what it probably is. No need to waste energy thinking too hard about it." This makes your processing lightning-fast—but frequently wrong. It's why you miss things right in front of you, remember events differently than others, and can be absolutely certain about things that never actually happened.
Even your memories aren't reliable records. Each time you recall something, your brain subtly rewrites it. Over time, your memories drift further from reality with each retrieval.
All of this happens for one evolutionary reason: survival, not truth-seeking. Your brain filters every bit of information through one central question: "What does this mean for me?" This self-referencing lens, controlled by the default mode network, ensures that you experience life as the main character in your own story. That sense of centrality feels real—but it's just another layer of mental illusion.
Your brain isn't interested in showing you objective reality. It's designed to keep you alive, conserve energy, and maintain your sense of self—even at the expense of accuracy. It builds a version of reality that feels undeniably true, while being fundamentally constructed.
Your Temporary Truth
Thanks to neuroplasticity, your reality isn't even consistent. Your brain rewires itself daily based on experience, meaning you're literally reprogramming your perception every day. The "objective" view you have today differs from yesterday's and tomorrow's.
When emotions run high, this distortion amplifies. Strong feelings hijack your prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thinking) and activate your amygdala (your threat detector). Under stress, your brain floods with cortisol and adrenaline, narrowing attention and distorting memory.
Neuroscience proves that when you’re emotionally aroused, you’re more likely to:
Remember what confirms your emotional state
Forget neutral or opposing details
Rewrite the story to protect your self-image
So no, you’re probably not remembering “how it happened.” You’re remembering how it felt. And your nervous system filled in the blanks.
When Two Truths Collide
By now, it’s clear: we don’t see reality—we filter it. Evolution hardwired us to scan for threats and protect our sense of self, not to seek objective truth. Our perceptions are self-focused, shaped by personal history, emotion, and survival instincts.
So it’s no surprise that two people can go through the same experience and walk away with completely different versions of what happened.
Because reality isn’t fixed—it’s interpreted.
And here’s where things break down:
Most people don’t realise they’re seeing a version of reality. They think they’re seeing the truth. So when someone else has a different perspective, it feels like an attack, not just a difference.
That’s how conflict starts. The real tension isn’t in what happened… it’s in what it meant to each person
The Discomfort of Contradiction
When reality contradicts our beliefs, our brains experience cognitive dissonance - that uncomfortable mental squirm when something doesn't align with our self-image:
"I'm a great parent," but your child says you're always distracted.
"I'm open-minded," but someone points out how quickly you dismiss opposing views.
Rather than face this discomfort, your brain edits the narrative:
"They're just being dramatic."
"That's not what I meant."
"I was under stress."
The goal of the self becomes preserving your self-image rather than growth. When someone says, "That hurt me," and your first reaction is, "But I'm not a bad person," you've missed the point. Your brain's defense system is activated to protect your identity, not to understand your impact.
Real maturity is feeling that sting and staying present anyway—not deflecting, not gaslighting, but allowing both stories to coexist and then ACTIVELY choosing what to do with the information. Growth is to drop certainty and embrace curiosity.
Drop Certainty. Embrace Curiosity.
Most relationship conflicts aren't about facts but about meaning—filtered through competing realities that each person believes is the only valid one.
The real work isn't winning the debate, it's illuminating the bigger story neither of you can see alone. It's about uncovering the hidden plot lines that exist in the space between your perspectives. When you trade certainty for curiosity, you stop fighting over who holds the truth and start discovering what you're both missing.
How to See Two Truths
Pause the Reaction: When triggered, don't rush to defend. That initial irritation is your fight-or-flight response. Take a breath.
Get Curious About Their Truth: Instead of countering with your version, ask about theirs:
"Can you explain more about what you felt?"
"I hear you felt dismissed. What was going through your mind?"
Own Your Impact: Acknowledge that your actions created their experience, even if unintentionally. This isn't admitting to villainy; it's validating their experience.
Share Your Perspective Without Blame: Now offer your reality without negating theirs:
"I see how you felt ignored. From my perspective, I was distracted by X and wasn't aware you needed more. I wasn't intentionally dismissing you."
Let Go of Being Right: Real connection doesn't require winning—it requires honesty and vulnerability.
Stay Present: Don't retreat when uncomfortable. Connection happens in discomfort, when both of you hold contradictory truths yet choose to engage.
Choose Curiosity.
Your reality isn’t discovered - it’s constructed. Pieced together by a brain wired for survival, not truth. That means every reaction, assumption, and “truth” you cling to is a product of your past, your pain, your wiring. Which also means it can change - but only if you stay curious.
Curiosity is the antidote to righteousness. It loosens your grip on needing to be right. It creates space between trigger and reaction. Most importantly, it reminds you: other people's behavior isn't always about you—it's about their brain, their story, their lens.
When you lead with curiosity you are reminded that your view is just one angle, not the whole scene. Your experience isn't the standard—it’s a snapshot from one specific vantage point.
The shift begins when you stop gripping your version like it’s absolute truth and start wondering, “What else could be going on here?”
That’s where connection starts.
That’s where your brain rewires.
That’s where growth happens - as a side effect of staying radically, relentlessly curious.
It’s uncomfortable. It’ll stretch your ego. But it will also set you free and add to your experience of life.
So the real question is: Can you loosen your grip on certainty long enough to see what else might be true? Stop clinging to a one-sided narrative and get CURIOUS enough to open your mind and life to something bigger.