WHY HE SHUTS DOWN, WHY SHE CAN’T LET GO.
Science behind You Keep Missing Each Other in Conflict (and What to Do About It)
Let’s cut the crap.
You’re not broken.
He’s not emotionally stunted.
She’s not “too much.”
You’re just wired differently. Literally.
One of the most common breakdowns I see in relationships?
The Stress Shutdown Loop:
She wants to talk. He goes silent.
She takes it personally. He feels ambushed.
They both spiral—same argument, different day.
But here’s the part no one’s telling you:
This isn’t just personality. It’s not laziness or lack of love.
It’s your nervous system doing what it’s been trained to do.
MEN: BUILT TO CONTAIN, NOT COMPLAIN
Most men aren’t ghosting the conversation. They’re not avoiding you because they’re heartless or can’t be bothered. They’re trying not to lose it.
Under stress, the male brain activates the right prefrontal cortex—the compartmentaliser. It’s the part that wants to fix, not feel. To shut the gates, not open them.
Meanwhile, a woman’s brain (thanks to a more active limbic system) often defaults to talking it out—seeking connection as regulation.
One’s trying to lock it down, the other’s trying to open it up.
Cue: fireworks.
Think you’re speaking the same language? Think again. You’re speaking from different operating systems.
Want receipts? Read The Male Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine. It breaks this down without sugar-coating or male-bashing.
SILENCE ISN’T ALWAYS A SWORD
Here’s where most relationships tank:
Silence gets mistaken for disinterest.
Emotion gets labelled as drama.
No one stops to ask: What’s actually going on under the hood?
For a lot of men, pulling away isn’t about shutting you out. It’s about keeping themselves from shutting down altogether.
It’s not personal. It’s neurological.
And if you’re constantly chasing a man mid-shutdown, you’re not helping. You’re flooding his system.
And if you're constantly retreating from emotion, you're not protecting her—you’re abandoning her in the middle of the fire.
Both need to own their part.
Want to understand the science? Check out the Huberman Lab podcast episode on stress and emotional regulation.
Huberman Lab: Tools for managing stress and anxiety
YOU CAN'T OUT-LOVE A NERVOUS SYSTEM STUCK IN SURVIVAL
Here’s the good news:
Neuroplasticity is real.
Your brain can rewire.
Your patterns can shift.
But not if you keep defending your coping mechanisms like they’re sacred truths.
A 2019 study in Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews found that gendered stress responses are partly biology, and partly learned behaviour. That means you’ve got more control than you think.
It also means your default isn’t your destiny. It’s just your habit.
THE BRIDGE BETWEEN YOU
Let’s be real—most relationships aren’t failing because people don’t love each other. They’re failing because no one knows how to stay present in discomfort.
This isn’t about blaming men or shaming women. It’s about understanding the gap so you can actually cross it. Because connection without self-awareness is just chaos with cuddles.
So let’s make it practical:
If you're the one who pursues under pressure (usually women):
Breathe before you speak. Seriously.
Don’t force a conversation when the other person is in shutdown.
Ask for what you need, not what you assume the other should give.
If you’re the one who withdraws (often men):
Say something before you vanish. “I need a minute” is better than radio silence.
Learn to tolerate emotional intensity. Discomfort isn’t danger.
Stop pretending you’re “keeping the peace” by avoiding—it’s emotional cowardice if it becomes a pattern.
THE REAL QUESTION AT PLAY
If you’re stuck in this pattern, ask yourself:
Are you reacting from fear or responding from understanding?
This is the stuff we don’t get taught.
We learn how to argue, not how to regulate.
We know how to defend, but not how to repair.
You want a better connection?
Learn how to meet each other in the wiring—not the drama.
And if you don’t know how to do that?
That’s the kind of real, gritty work we do at PSS.
We don’t coddle. We confront each other.
We don’t pat your back. We hold up a mirror.
Because truth creates change—not comfort.
Want support to break these cycles—for good?
At PSS I work with couples, individuals, and teams to stop the drama and rebuild connection from the ground up.
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
Podcast:
Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel
Real couples, real conflict, zero filters.